hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
