I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it glows. i had to have it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
