What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
