Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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