she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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