Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
