I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
