He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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