Is it because I queefed?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
