Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
