Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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