if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
