My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
