I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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