Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
