he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
