My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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