if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
