Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
