woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
