I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
