Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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