If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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