just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
