watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
