Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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