I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
