i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
