I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
we're making bets on your personal life
This gyro tastes like lonliness
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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