you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
