Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
