Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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