we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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