I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
