Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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