I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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