Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
