Umm I'm too high to move.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
