Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
