you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
