Already got asked if we're dating
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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