Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
