your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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