let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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