they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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