then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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