I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
What a dumb baby whore.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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