I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
There's even glitter on my cock...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
