the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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