dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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