I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
