My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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